I had lunch with an old friend today at a new restaurant. We did the standard holiday ritual, get together, catch up on new ventures, reminisce about old ones. I can't help but think how the ritual has stayed the same but the topic of conversation is drastically different. To compare a conversation a year ago, three years ago, five, ten, to the one today would be oceans apart in content. We talked about new jobs, money issues, family, you know, grown up stuff.
As I was driving home today I tried to imagine all the people elder than me going through all the same things that I am going through. Is it possible that my grandma had childhood friends? Did she lose touch because she had to tend to her kids, get a job, carry a load of responsibility... Grow up? Was she completley satisfied?
When you are younger you are constantly prompted to think about what you want for your future. When you get there and you have made all those things happen you spend all your time reminiscing about the past. Are we ever satisfied to be in the present?
Since I was 10 years old I knew some day I wanted a family. When I was 16 I knew someday I wanted to go to college. When I was 19 I knew someday I wanted to graduate and get a satisfying job to support a family. When I was 25 I wanted to go back to school and get my masters to provide a better life for my family. When I was 26 I had, or did, all of those things. There is something about time that dilutes your goals and expectations like too much water in a pitcher of Kool-Aid.
I have everything I have ever wanted since I can remember, I thank God every day. I have more than 90% of the rest of the world, but yet, at times I feel as though I need more. I am not talking about material goods, I am not talking about family issues. I am talking about personal hierarchy of needs. To put it plainly, I need a challenge.
Since we were all 5 years old we were constantly challenged, pushed to reach that next step. If you complete fifth grade, great, you move onto sixth. If you complete high school, great, you move onto college. If you got a B this semester, get an A next one. The list goes on. Everything I have ever known has told me to keep reaching, never give up, always set the next goal and not just achieve it, exceed it. I am a bread competitor. Now that I have the things I have worked for and am successfully managing them all am I suppose to turn that drive off like a switch?
It took me 27 years to truly realize this. I don't care if I am playing tidily winks with Connie Stienbach from down the street, I want to win. It didn't matter if I scored 4 goals in one game, if Gull Lake scored 5, I am still pissed we lost. I could score 25 points against a nationally ranked college basketball team, but if I would have made those two free throws I missed in the first half, we would have won. It is not enough to be good, you must be the best. Is this a admirable quality or a terrible burden? This is not to show triumph, it is to express personal nature. Day in and day out, there is something that drives us all. A list of motivational needs that must be met. I have achieved all the goals I have set for myself since the first time my brother beat me in basketball and I cried my eyes out because I never thought I would be as tall as him; so why do I still feel such a drive? Why do I feel complacent when I have had the same job for 3 years?
I know the answer to all these questions, I stated it before, I am a competitor. All the preparation to eventually get the job I have, has prepared me for a completely different job.
So did my friend and I talk about all of this at lunch today? We didn't mention it once, but with out talking about it once it has never been so clear how things have changed, but more so, how they have stayed the same.
I could never ask for a better wife, a better son, a better set of brothers, parents, sister, etc. I wouldn't change a thing about my past. I have "top notch" friends that have always been there for me. All this non-materail wealth under my hat. But yet I yearn for more.....in reference to the title....It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
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7 comments:
Quentin,
I'm glad you have it figured out! You know that either way your family will love you just the same!!!
Thank you. I know. You guys are great!!
Your wife lies...she just said that so she can spend your money without you knowing it.
Q,
I don't know how much freedom you are given in your job. Probably not much in that crazy place. I never thought about it but i guess that is why i like my job. I may never be the perfect teacher but hopefully i am progressing each year with new strategies or crazy gimicks to get these darn kids to learn.
Good luck with the job search and Kasey keep spending that money!!!
no no no, don't encourage Kasey to spend money!! JK.
well Randy, I have freedom to do the groups I want to and extent, but i am not being measured, I am not being challenged, and if i were there is no reward to the challenge. I want to compete, I want to be measured. We get yearly evals and I exceed all my goals, it is a joke, it takes like 10 minutes and that is that!! Most people would love this, just fly under the radar. I need something more. I want my career to be like a college basketball team, constant emprovement and competition.
Q, I know what you mean. I could fly under the radar here pretty easily but then there are those darn state standardized tests that tell if the kid is learning. They put the blame on the student for one second and then they look at the teacher. I do know what you mean, in your job you can only do so much and you are already there. You need to do/be more. That is what any head coach would expect out of any athlete. see ya soon!!
Randy, I am going to post my comments on a new post. It has to do with the comparison between an athletic team, and a job.
Q
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